|
|
|
|
Mediation Barrier # 1: Failure to check or dump emotional baggage A successful mediation requires that both parties focus on their goals for the future. This is not easy in a divorce context. Often, the marriage has broken down due to a loss of love, respect, or trust. One or both parties may feel hurt, betrayed, or angry. They may instinctively react to each other by venting their anger about past wrongs that they believe the other party has perpetrated on them. This is especially true when one party has left the marriage for another person, dissipated assets, or otherwise acted in bad faith.
However,
the mediation process will only be successful if each participant can approach
difficult issues with a clear head. Both parties share a common interest in Barrier # 2: Failure to understand and prioritize your and you ex’s interests One of the biggest mistakes you can make in preparing to negotiate a settlement with your ex it to think only about what you want. The key to successful negotiating is to prepare yourself by really thinking deeply about what is important to the other person—what they will claim they want, what they really want, and what they’re willing to fight for. The key to doing this is empathy. You know your ex: you’ve lived together and made decisions together. Here’s your chance to use what you’ve learned about them good and bad. Try to imagine what they will be feeling when they negotiate with you. What motivates them? What makes them feel good? Will they just want to get it over with? Plan your strategy with these elements in mind. If you prepare in this way, in addition, of course, to clearly prioritizing what you must have and what you’d be wiling to trade or give, chances are the negotiations will go more smoothly than you can imagine. Barrier # 3: When your spouse misbehaves or acts out in mediation First of all and most importantly, remember that mediation is a voluntary process. You don’t have to stray. If the misbehavior of your spouse rises to the level of abuse, my advice is to leave. No dispute resolution process is worth subjecting yourself to an intolerable situation.
That said,
where the misbehavior is irritating or annoying but not abuse, there may be an
opportunity for you. Ask yourself if you’re willing to accept the challenge of
being presented of not becoming reactive or retaliatory. This is hared: Your
spouse knows your buttons. Still, if you can find your own center and let go of
the need to strike back, it can be a tremendously empowering experience for
you. Try to remember that your spouse is also frightened. As much as anything
else, the outbursts are Hopefully—and experience suggests that this is the case—by modeling behavior that constructively addresses legitimate concerns rather than being reactive, even your very difficult spouse will begin to temper his or her own behavior, and the process will move forward toward solutions that work for both of you. Barrier # 4: Lack of preparation by clients Lack of preparation by one or both parties can be the bane of a mediator’s job! It has been observed by many divorce professionals that the most common obstacle to settling divorce cases,, both in litigation and mediation, is the failure by one or both parties to develop a “settlement model” (SM) in which her or she has confidence. An SM is an outline that a party has developed of what a settlement needs to look like to be acceptable to him or her. Without a well considered SM< a divorcing party is left with nothing to rely on in assessing a settlement proposal, other than his or her blind trust (or lack thereof) for the other party or his or her own attorney. The response will likely be no. |
|
You have been the
Send mail to
njtechalliance@msn.com with
questions or comments about this web site.
|
reaching a satisfactory and expeditious resolution of their issues and avoiding
high litigation costs. They need to look forward, not backward. The more time
they spend dredging up past wrongs in their mediation sessions, the more
difficult and costly it will be for them to focus on their future goals. Each
party may not be able to forgive and forget, but they need to put aside their
emotions in a committed effort to resolve the outstanding issues. 
expressions of fear, the anger often is a cover of
sorrow, and the reason your spouse raises his or her voice to much is because
she or he thinks you don’t hear him/her. Underneath acting out is always an
expression of concern. Try to identify the concern and address it: for example,
in response to, “She thinks she owns the blankety-blank kids,” try: “Him, I know
you’re worried about our children and your role in their lives. There is
nothing I want more than for our kids to have two fully involved, participatory
parents, and I want you to know that I’ll sign an agreement which reflects
that.”